MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Donald Trump hinted today that he plans to unveil a impactful new moniker for Nikki Haley on February 15th.
“I’m going to absolutely crush this Nikki Haley woman – as soon as I figure out who she is,” declared President Trump. “Hey, that might be the nickname right there – ‘Nikki Who.’ But seriously, can someone tell me who she is?”
Trump’s announcement followed Ms. Haley’s declaration on local radio of her official bid for the presidency on February 15th. While many celebrated the news, the anticipation has mainly focused on Trump’s upcoming nickname. “I’m excited that Haley’s in the race,” remarked local resident Ashley Vargas. “It’ll let us see if Trump’s still got his nickname game. ‘DeSanctimonious’ is honestly pretty lame, so this will test what Trump’s got left in the tank.”
According to undisclosed sources, President Trump has privately expressed reservations about his DeSantis nickname. “Maybe it wasn’t my best, okay?” grumbled Trump. “So I asked my staff if anyone else disliked it, and I fired anyone who said yes. Now, everyone loves it! Now, leave me alone; I’ve got work to do on this mysterious ‘Nikki’ lady!”
Sources have confirmed that final nickname contenders include:
- Icky Haley
- Nasty Nikki
- Nicki Hacky
- Nervous Nikki
- Amb-ASS-ador Haley
- Horse-Face Haley
- Handicapped Haley
- No-good Nikki
- Little Nicky
- NeoCon Nicky
- Tricky Nikki
- No-Chance Nikki
- No-Votes Nikki
- Haliburton Haley
As of the current publication, insiders report that Mr. Trump continues to assert that he never designated Nikki Haley as the ambassador to the U.N. and expresses a desire for someone to inform him about her identity.
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