WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has just announced a bold new 35% tariff on all products imported into the U.S. from Canada. According to PM Mark Carney, this drastic measure could devastate both economies and potentially trigger a major recession. But don’t worry — Carney insists things could’ve been worse if he hadn’t completely caved on the Digital Sales Tax earlier.
Editor’s note: Please, unnamed writer, hurry! Last 15 times we wrote this, Trump reversed course before we could even hit “publish.” You can do it — let’s make that brilliant satirical point before he tweets about a “great call” with Carney and retracts everything. And don’t forget to delete my editor comments or we’ll look like total amateurs.
“The tariffs announced by President Trump are a brutal assault on Canada’s sovereignty,” Carney said. “Naturally, I never thought he’d take advantage after I gave him exactly what he wanted for absolutely nothing in return during negotiations.”
Editor: Great. Strong quote. Let’s keep moving — no time for extra quips. The stock market is tanking and Trump could be backpedaling any minute now!
“It’s not like there’s some old saying about giving an inch and them taking a mile,” Carney continued.
Editor: Dammit. Really? Anyway, move on.
Trump also hinted at additional tariffs targeting other trading partners, though at slightly lower rates than Canada’s 35%, likely because those countries went even further to scrap their Digital Sales Taxes.
Editor: You have 30 seconds to finish or I’m posting this half-baked. Seriously.
At press time, Trump had already announced the cancellation of these new tariffs after reportedly having a “fantastic” phone call with Carney and realizing, once again, that nobody was on board.
Read more related articles about Trump here