WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn that analysts believe could finally address the U.S. national debt crisis, congressional Republicans have announced a bold new plan: transfer the entire debt balance to a Capital One credit card offering a 0% introductory APR.
Lawmakers reportedly came up with this groundbreaking idea after years of endless debates and failed negotiations over reducing the country’s massive deficit. The inspiration struck when a Republican senator saw a Capital One commercial while watching CSI: Vegas on his phone during a committee meeting.
“We’ve been stressing about the national debt for decades, but the answer was so obvious,” said Senator Tom Cotton. “Capital One offers a 0% intro APR — it’s brilliant! Everyone knows consolidating your debt onto a new credit card magically fixes your finances, so why not do it for America too?”
Other Republican representatives quickly rallied behind the proposal. “Honestly, we’re kind of embarrassed that it took this long to think of,” admitted Congressman Dan Crenshaw. “If regular folks can manage debt by moving balances to a low-interest credit card, why shouldn’t the government do the same? It’s the ultimate life hack for the national budget!”
Sources on Capitol Hill revealed that enthusiasm for the plan only grew when lawmakers learned they’d receive a free football-shaped phone just for signing up for the Capital One card.
At publishing time, some GOP members were also considering using reward points from the credit card to fund future infrastructure projects and pay down additional debts.