Prince Harry and King Charles have agreed to a potential peace summit. But can they truly reconcile? Several “minor” sticking points remain — including Harry’s marriage and his relationship with the British media.
Divorce Meghan Markle
King Charles insists there’s no chance of reconciliation while Harry stays happily married to Meghan Markle and raises their two children. According to Charles, Harry should “ditch her” and marry a “nice posh English woman with deep-rooted mental health struggles” instead. Naturally, he says this without a hint of irony.
Return to the UK
Charles believes Harry must return to Britain. Sun-soaked California, free from loud columnists like Sarah Vine, simply won’t do. The King suggests Harry move into one of the royal family’s homes, where everyone technically works for William and secretly despises Harry. “It’s called maturity,” Charles insists, even offering to let Harry share Prince Andrew’s residence for some company.
Public Apologies for ‘Spare’
According to Charles, anyone who bought Spare deserves an apology. Readers spent good money (with the Queen’s face on the notes) on “outright lies.” Harry should apologize to them directly. Those who only read tabloid summaries are exempt, as that is “the correct channel for royal news.”
Confess He Always Preferred Kate
Charles wants Harry to assure the Princess of Wales that he always found her more attractive than Meghan. Harry must tell Kate she is the most beautiful woman in the UK and that he thought of her during his children’s conception — a request as awkward as it is absurd.
Accept the Tabloids as Allies
Harry must stop fighting with the tabloids. Charles argues the red-tops are Harry’s “best friends,” even if they destroyed his relationships and published his Nazi costume photos. Charles points out that only the tabloids truly mourned the late Queen — the public was too busy watching Netflix.
Prepare for Imprisonment and Execution
Finally, Charles assures Harry that as long as he obeys these terms, he will be safe — for now. However, Charles warns that William, once crowned king, will likely imprison, try, and execute Harry at Whitehall. “It’s nothing personal,” Charles claims. “This is just royal tradition.”