WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre twist, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hired the same hitman to take each other out, sources said Tuesday.
The mix-up started after new Trump-Russia collusion details surfaced, declassified by DNI Tulsi Gabbard. Both feared exposure and aimed to silence the other. “They wanted to tie up loose ends,” a source noted.
Hitman “Vinny Black” got calls from both within minutes. “I’ve worked for them before—powerful folks, you don’t say no,” Black said. “But realizing they targeted each other? Super awkward.”
Black faced a dilemma. “Canceling means they’d hire someone to kill me,” he explained. “Killing both leaves no one to pay me.” He resolved it by talking to them.
At press time, Black’s body turned up in a ditch outside D.C., with police calling it a suicide.