ATLANTA, GA — In a bid to enhance on-field decision-making accuracy, the National Football League has decided to allocate a seeing-eye dog to each referee.
Shawn Hochuli enthusiastically addressed his new service dog, saying, “What’d you see, Fido? Bark twice if there was holding!” He continued, “Good boy. Does the red team still have the ball? Oh crap, I forgot you’re colorblind, Fido!”
This initiative by the NFL is part of a concerted effort to elevate officiating standards. Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed the league’s aspiration, stating, “We aim to reach a point where, at the very least, calls occasionally make sense. While it’s a significant challenge for these canines to grasp the nuances of terms like ‘rub route’ and ‘pass interference,’ we believe they will be more accurate than our current approach of a visually impaired individual making educated guesses. Pardon me, a visually impaired woman making educated guesses.”
The introduction of seeing-eye dogs has received widespread approval from both officials and players. Philadelphia quarterback Jalen Hurts remarked, “It’s already a significant improvement. The dogs guide the refs out of the way when play begins, and some of the smarter pups have caught on to ‘offsides’ and other basic penalties. They’ve also eliminated those awkward moments when the referee announces a penalty facing the wrong direction. Visual impairment is tough, man.”
As of the latest update, reports indicated that Atlanta fans nationwide were loudly expressing their discontent, claiming that Fido displayed an unmistakable bias against the Falcons.
