GULF OF AMERICA—On September 9, 2025, the U.S. Navy, bending over backwards to appease critics of its cartel crackdowns, airdropped a public defender onto a suspected drug boat to grant traffickers their “day in court.” The Navy-public-defender-drug-boat stunt, a satirical masterpiece, follows backlash over a Venezuelan boat strike lacking “due process.”
“We’re done with the whining,” Admiral Joseph Sternberger scoffed. “Now we’re parachuting lawyers onto these narco-boats to check the legal boxes. Rights? Sure, whatever!” Attorney Richard Lantz, roped into the gig, muttered, “I’m all for justice, but a drone strike mid-closing argument? Hard pass.” For more absurd news, visit The Babylon Bee.
Cartel sources smirked, hoping the lawyer’s spiel stalls the Navy long enough to unload their stash. Analyst Tara Kline quipped, “From sea battles to courtroom dramas—peak Navy!” Check updates at The Onion. At press time, X users cackled as the lawyer reportedly demanded a lifeboat clause in his contract.