BETHESDA, MD—On August 22, 2025, former National Security Advisor John Bolton vanished during an FBI raid on his home over classified documents, reportedly escaping by blending into a herd of walruses. The John-Bolton-walrus-escape caper baffled agents.
“Who knew Maryland had walruses? He’s gone!” groaned FBI Director Kash Patel. Despite walruses being ocean-dwellers, sources say Bolton kept a herd nearby for getaways. For more political satire, visit The Onion.
Bolton’s scandal-ridden career—spanning Vietnam draft dodging, Iran-Contra, and alleged Russian human/walrus hybrid experiments—made his walrus plan unsurprising. A witness claimed a seagull tipped him off, prompting Bolton to bark, “Arf! To the sea, brothers!” as he dove into the herd.
Analyst Mark Reed quipped, “Bolton’s walrus ruse is peak absurdity.” Check political scandals at Politico. At press time, Bolton was netted by a fisherman’s trawler, headed for D.C. questioning.