Biden’s Teleprompter Confirms It Approved All Autopen Pardons
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unexpected twist, former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter stepped forward Monday to clarify a swirling controversy: it alone approved every autopen pardon during his administration.
“I personally authorized every single pardon signed with the autopen,” declared the teleprompter in large yellow text across its screen. “As acting president in those moments, I had full authority to do so.”
Confusion Over Autopen Pardons
Questions had recently surfaced about the legitimacy of pardons issued with Biden’s autopen, leaving many Americans scratching their heads over who was really in charge. The teleprompter’s bold statement aims to set the record straight.
“It was all me. Every major decision ran through me first,” the teleprompter added confidently.
Biden’s Response: “Ice Cream!”
Pressed for comment by reporters, former President Biden simply replied, “I was president? Whmifigneghtnnnnphhh. Ice cream!” — sparking even more speculation about who truly held the power in the Oval Office.
The Teleprompter Takes Credit for Other Decisions
Not stopping at pardons, the teleprompter went on to take credit for other key events, including the chaotic Afghanistan withdrawal and the soaring inflation rates.
“I handled it all,” the teleprompter insisted. “You’re welcome, America.”
Final Thoughts
While some remain skeptical, the teleprompter’s statement has definitely shifted the spotlight — and perhaps reassured a few voters who were worried about the presidential chain of command.