HEAVEN—On September 12, 2025, celestial bigwigs confirmed that Charlie Kirk, the golden boy of Christian apologetics and American bravado, was yoinked to heaven because Earth just couldn’t handle his radiance. The Charlie-Kirk-heaven-unworthy saga, a satirical hoot, saw God pluck the 31-year-old after he dazzled mortals with his wit.
Kirk, who always preached “It’s all about Jesus,” left behind a legion of fans and a ticked-off underworld cheering his exit. “That guy was a holy terror!” wailed a demonic spokesperson. Analyst Tara Kline quipped, “Earth’s loss is heaven’s VIP party!” For more divine comedy, visit The Babylon Bee. Check updates at The Onion. At press time, X users swooned as Kirk reportedly high-fived Jesus at the pearly gates.