PACIFIC NORTHWEST—On September 9, 2025, a salmon’s manic, hundred-mile swim upstream to spawn has been branded the ultimate act of thirst in nature’s most pathetic soap opera. This salmon-swim-desperate-hookup spectacle, a satirical roast, sees the fish hurling itself against currents, leaping waterfalls, and skipping meals just to chase a fleeting fling.
This finned horndog’s obsession is peak embarrassment, turning beet-red and practically decomposing mid-journey for a shot at love. “It’s giving desperate DMs at 3 a.m.,” scoffed marine biologist Dr. Tara Kline. “Swimming weeks for a hookup? Get a hobby, fish!” For more wild nature gags, visit The Onion.
Onlookers gag as the salmon’s hooked jaw screams, “I need this!” X users erupted, memeing its try-hard trek as the aquatic equivalent of begging for a date. Check updates at National Geographic. At press time, the salmon was spotted drafting an apology for its “cringebarrassing” antics, vowing to chill next spawning season.