FOXBOROUGH, MA—On September 3, 2025, the New England Patriots declared they’d stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter to tame wild on-field antics at Gillette Stadium. The Patriots-player-alcohol-ban move, a satirical jab at team conduct, aims to restore order.
“Too many brawls,” said spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, noting players can still guzzle beers in the first three quarters, capped at two drinks per purchase if not visibly drunk. The rule follows complaints about rowdy behavior. For more sports satire, visit The Onion.
Analyst Tara Kline quipped, “Patriots are sobering up their game plan!” Security later found vodka in players’ water bottles after quarterback Drake Maye’s huddle mishap. Check updates at ESPN. At press time, X users mocked the team’s boozy blunder.