In a bizarre alternate reality, the Epstein Files not only clear Donald Trump of all allegations but are also released as a 300-page luxury collector’s edition for $199, sold directly on his official website.
“This is the most innocent document in American history,” boasts Alternate-Universe Trump at a Florida rally, wearing a robe made from shredded NDAs. “I’ve never been this exonerated. For just $199, you can own your own piece of total innocence.”
This fictional version of events features Eric Trump’s proud foreword, “I helped staple it!” and includes a tear-out poster of Ghislaine Maxwell labeled: Never met her — great cheekbones though!
The deluxe edition shines with gold-trimmed pages, a faux-leather cover, and even a pop-up of Trump body-slamming Epstein into a volcano named Deep State.
A MAGA+ bundle ups the ante: a fake Certificate of Innocence and a 15% discount for Trump Steaks (now only available in Argentina).
Back in our reality, critics joke: if such a document existed and truly cleared Trump, he’d project it onto the Lincoln Memorial via hologram, with fireworks shaped like thumbs-up. Asked when we might see these files here, a Trump rep said, “The truth is currently under audit.”
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