HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore has recently begun to question whether it was truly wise to dedicate an entire house at Hogwarts to students obsessed with pure-blood supremacy and snake imagery.
“Hmm, maybe having a dormitory filled with ambitious young wizards who idolize a dark lord and call everyone ‘Mudblood’ wasn’t the best idea,” Dumbledore mused during a recent staff meeting. “Every year, they plot to kill fellow students or resurrect Voldemort. Perhaps there’s a connection?”
Hogwarts famously sorts its students into four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. While three houses encourage bravery, kindness, and intellect, Slytherin is notorious for harboring students with a fondness for dark magic and an interest in wizarding eugenics.
Despite countless incidents — including repeated murder attempts and castle takeovers — Dumbledore insists that Slytherin serves a necessary purpose. “Sure, they cause mass chaos, but we need them to maintain narrative tension — I mean, balance — at the school,” he explained while staring thoughtfully at the Forbidden Forest.
Rumors suggest Dumbledore had briefly considered abolishing the house, but ultimately decided that removing Slytherin would “ruin the fun” and “deprive the rest of the students of valuable life-or-death experiences.”
At press time, Slytherin students were reportedly working on yet another elaborate plan to free Voldemort and exterminate half-blood wizards, surprising exactly no one familiar with their long track record.