In a groundbreaking development, baseball sensation Shohei Ohtani inked an unprecedented $700 million deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers, ultimately leaving him with approximately $58 after factoring in taxes.
Expressing his joy with the monumental signing, Ohtani remarked, “I’m thrilled to have secured the largest contract in baseball history. I’m grateful that the Dodgers value me at $700 million, though post-tax calculations suggest I can treat myself to two full-sized sandwiches at Jimmy John’s. I’m eager to finally try the Italian Night Club.”
Regarded as one of the most gifted players in baseball history, Ohtani will receive an annual salary of $70 million for the next decade. Commentator Bob Costas noted, “After taxes, that’s roughly six bucks per year, so Ohtani might have to wait a couple of years to indulge in a full-sized sandwich. Opting for a ‘Little John’ sandwich might be feasible right away. However, if he adds ‘Jimmy Chips’ and a drink, we’re looking at a three-year wait at best.”
Despite skepticism about the Dodgers committing such an exorbitant sum to one player, the front office defended the decision. Dodgers’ controlling owner Mark Walter stated, “Shohei Ohtani is undeniably a once-in-a-generation talent. While $700 million is an astronomical figure, our commitment was to ensure that, post-tax, Ohtani could fulfill his childhood dream of enjoying a Jimmy Pickle. Today marks the realization of that dream.”
In an unexpected turn, Ohtani found himself homeless following California’s announcement of a one-hundred-percent tax on individuals earning more than $10 million annually.
