The Toby Keith tribute concert is still in its early planning phase, but one thing is clear: only artists who earned Toby’s genuine respect will perform.

Taylor Swift, who distanced herself from Toby after rising to fame, and Garth Brooks, who has largely turned away from country fans, both tried to insert themselves into the spotlight following Toby’s passing. “We weren’t about to let that happen,” said Ted Nugent’s Stage Manager Joe Barron. “Those two just want to be the center of attention.”

Toby’s wife, Karen Kardashian Keith, insisted she would never allow anyone Toby didn’t truly respect to perform his songs at the tribute.

“Can you imagine that little twit singing ‘Red Solo Cup’?” Karen remarked. “I bet she doesn’t even know the words. And Garth wanted to perform ‘I’ll Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again,’ but since Jimmy Buffett passed, he said he wanted to bring Gene Simmons along. What’s that even about?”

At this point, patriots, it’s hard not to suspect something fishy about the whole situation. In all my years of journalism, I’ve never heard a name roll off the tongue as smoothly as Karen’s. That has to mean something.

Meanwhile, the Kardashian family has requested to stay out of the affair. “We sent a basket of mini-muffins,” Chloe shared on TikTok. “I really hope he made it to heaven.”