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Lia Thomas Retires: “Nobody Wants Me On Their Team”

Lia Thomas, a former NCAA National Champion and nine-time world record holder, has announced her retirement from professional swimming.

“Nobody wants me on their team,” Thomas allegedly stated, adding, “They’re all transphobes and bigots.”

Thomas has clearly earned a name for herself in the realm of elite women’s swimming. She dominated the sport for two years after switching from male to female just before the start of a new season.

“He won seven national titles and broke nine world records,” Riley Gaines said of Thomas, who missed out on a chance to stand on the platform. “And he exposed himself in the women’s locker room, which was just horrible.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analyst Tara Newhole believes that any or all of the facts in the first four paragraphs of our story are absolutely untrue. “It’s not your fault,” she told me. “Sometimes we write what we hope and pray rather than what actually happened.”

Thomas, according to Newhole, was not a swimming powerhouse, having won only one event and never coming close to breaking the world record. “Riley is a little crybaby,” Newhole stated, tying her for fifth place. In any case, there was no podium for her. Nobody would know who she is if Thomas wasn’t in pictures with her.”

She’s right. While Thomas has moved on, Gaines is still upset about something.

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