LOS ANGELES — Veteran actor Harrison Ford was reportedly seen sighing deeply and glaring in pure exhaustion this week after Disney executives enthusiastically pitched an idea to resurrect his iconic Star Wars character, Han Solo, using a futuristic cybernetic torso.
Sources say Ford, who was casually sipping black coffee when approached, nearly choked as studio heads unveiled glossy concept art of a half-metal, half-human Han Solo ready for a “new era of merchandising opportunities.”
“Picture it, Harrison,” one executive gushed. “Han Solo returns from the dead, but now he’s upgraded — a full cybernetic torso, LED-lit ab implants, and a built-in holographic projector for sassy one-liners. He’s basically a human lightsaber!”
Ford reportedly responded with a soul-piercing glare that could melt Beskar steel, followed by a muttered, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Industry insiders claim the idea is part of Disney’s ongoing efforts to squeeze every last credit out of the Star Wars universe, even if it means turning beloved characters into half-droid promotional mascots.
“We think audiences are ready for a more ‘tech-forward’ Han,” said one executive. “Imagine the action figures, theme park animatronics, and TikTok dance collaborations! It’s a galaxy-sized branding opportunity.”
Despite Ford’s exhaustion and rumored threats to retire to a remote cabin forever, Disney executives remain undeterred. A team of writers is reportedly already working on a script titled Han Solo: Rebooted & Recharged, in which Han is rescued from carbonite stasis only to discover he’s now 70% machine and forced to sell NFTs to survive.
At press time, Ford was last seen boarding a plane to an undisclosed wilderness location, muttering, “I should have stayed in archaeology.”