TRENTON, NJ — In a surprise move that shocked exactly no one from the Garden State, Bruce Springsteen took the podium on the steps of the New Jersey State House Tuesday morning, flanked by saxophones, muscle cars, and the ghost of Clarence Clemons, to declare New Jersey an independent nation—under rock.
Wearing a perfectly broken-in denim shirt, black leather jacket, and aviator sunglasses that somehow reflected both wisdom and a deep longing for the open road, Springsteen announced that the state was seceding from the United States effective immediately.
“We’ve had enough,” said Springsteen, now calling himself “His Springsteen-ness”, while thunder rumbled in the distance on an otherwise sunny day. “We’ve got highways, heartbreak, hoagies, and a rich cultural tradition of screaming ‘BRUUUUUCE’ at inappropriate times. We are ready to stand alone.”
The Republic of Jersey
Within hours, makeshift border crossings had popped up at the George Washington Bridge and I-295, where travelers were being asked either to sing the chorus of Born to Run or prove their loyalty by consuming a full pork roll, egg and cheese sandwich while reciting the lyrics to Thunder Road.
All Wawa locations have been converted into government buildings. Toll booths have ceased collecting cash and instead demand a detailed, emotionally authentic anecdote about your dad working third shift at the refinery.
National Symbols Announced
Springsteen’s first executive orders were deeply symbolic:
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National Anthem: Born in the U.S.A. (ironically now a protest song against the USA)
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Currency: Worn denim scraps and vintage concert stubs
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Military: A volunteer army of diehard fans over 50, armed with harmonicas, Camaro keys, and dad-strength
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Time Zone: “Working-Class Eastern,” where clocks move only when you’ve clocked in
International Reactions Mixed
The White House issued a cautious statement. “We respect The Boss,” said President [REDACTED], “but we do not recognize the sovereignty of any nation founded solely on heartland rock and hoagies.”
Canada, meanwhile, extended formal recognition within 12 minutes, citing “shared values around plaid and misunderstood yearning.”
Opposition? Fuhgeddaboudit.
While a small contingent of Jon Bon Jovi fans attempted to stage a counter-protest, they were quickly drowned out by a saxophone solo and gently redirected to a newly opened correctional karaoke center in Asbury Park.
What’s Next for The Boss?
Rumors swirl that Springsteen is working on a new constitution, written entirely in verse and recorded on vinyl. Article I allegedly opens with:
“We, the people of E Street, in order to form a more perfect Union… of misfits, mechanics, and mourners.”
When asked what sparked this sudden secessionist ambition, Bruce stared into the middle distance, chewed thoughtfully on a toothpick, and simply replied:
“The American Dream broke down somewhere around Exit 117. I’m just tryin’ to fix it with a Fender and some faith.”
Long live Jersey. Long live The Boss.
Note: This Is Satire, It’s Not True.